Fighting the Battle of Daily Depression
Depression has hit me hard this past year and has drained all my enthusiasm for life.
It’s a different voice than Ed. It’s darker, sinister.
Depression makes me numb, and I honestly forget what it feels like to be happy and genuinely laugh. It tells me to stay in bed; what’s the point of getting up? Depression tells me I’m a failure who can’t do anything right and takes away my motivation and excitement to tackle my goals. Small tasks are monumental; making a phone call becomes akin to climbing a mountain.
Depression tells me I’m wasting my life, and the daily monotony begins to wear me down. Surely, there’s more to life than dishes and laundry, right? This can’t be it? When I’m lying on my death bed, is this what I’m going to look back on?
I’m in a dark hole; I can’t see the light, and there’s no way out. But I must find a way because life continues, and I can’t stop. I refuse.
So, how can I hit back?
- Get Outside
We recently adopted a young Greyhound, and I enjoy walking him; it’s good for both of us. I also love hiking and haven’t had a chance to explore the local trails since our move. Family bike rides are something I loved as a kid, and my kids do, too. Rain or shine, we can always get outside.
According to the American Psychological Association, “Spending time in nature is linked to both cognitive benefits and improvements in mood, mental health and emotional well-being.”
2. My Horse
I know not everyone has a horse or even likes them, but spending time with my equine friend is like therapy for me. Horses don’t judge or care what you have going on in your life; they’re focused on the present. I find peace in grooming her as she reminds me to slow down, pay attention to what I’m doing, and not worry about the 17 other things I have going on.
Over the last two-and-a-half years, I’ve taken a break from social media; no more scrolling and refreshing my feed, which has been liberating. I have no desire to post photos and musings from my day-to-day life. Unfortunately, I’ve started doom-scrolling on YouTube to take a mental break every day. A little bit is fine, in my opinion, but it’s a habit I’d like to correct. I’ll never break the cycle if I don’t push myself physically to get up off the couch and take care of myself.
4. Eating Well
When I’m severely depressed, I have a difficult time finding the energy to cook. At this point, I’m surviving, not thriving, so I gravitate toward quick snacks and easy meals that are heavy on carbs and sugar. But then I feel sluggish, and Ed makes a comeback, furthering the cycle of depression. When I eat well, I feel better (imagine that), so forcing myself to put in the effort to make a good meal pays off in the end.
5. Meditating
I began meditating a year ago, and while I haven’t been as consistent as I would like lately, and my mind tends to wander, it has dramatically improved my anxiety level and given me the tools to calm down when things get rough.
6. Working out
First, I make sure I’m in a good place concerning my eating disorder. If Ed’s voice is too strong, I’ll complete easier workouts and stretch more. But generally, I find when I’m focused on getting stronger and faster, Ed fades away.
Like spending time outdoors, exercise has been shown to improve mood and mental health.
7. Self-care
While everything above can be considered self-care, I think of this category as doing a face mask, using those 24K gold under-eye masks (I know it won’t reduce the dark circles, nothing will, but it’s relaxing all the same), or getting my hair done. Taking time at the end of the day to unwind while I watch my favorite show isn’t frivolous. It’s necessary.
While depression lingers most days, I try to remember the dark days don’t last forever, but neither do the good and to take advantage of those moments when I feel as though I can accomplish anything.
One of my favorite musicians, Chris Cornell, said this about depression:
“But I do feel that depression can be useful. Sometimes it’s just chemical. It doesn’t seem to come from anywhere. And whenever I’ve been in any kind of depression, I’ve over the years tried to not only imagine what it feels like to not be there, but try to remind myself that I could just wake up the next day and it could be gone because that happens, and not to worry about it. And at the same time, when I’m feeling great, I remember the depression and think about the differences in what I’m feeling and why I would feel that way, and not be reactionary one way or the other. You just have to realize that these are patterns of life and you just go through them.”
Change takes effort, and progress isn’t linear. Just like with anorexia, the symptoms of my depression waver. I know now, after having spent nearly 20 years with mental health issues, that life won’t always be “bad,” and there are brighter days ahead.
I firmly believe life is to be enjoyed, and I refuse to let my mental health issues hold me back. There are too many things I want to experience and too many memories that are yet to be made.
I won’t let my depression have the upper hand. Not today.
